I'm just gonna come out with it: This past year has been really, really hard.
The other day I tried to recall everything that's happened since January and it would seem every single conceivable part of my life is wildly different now than it was then, and even more so since the last time I was here. Some change has been for the better, some for the worse, but all of it - or so I keep having to tell myself - for the greater good.
I guess I'm being vague because a lot of it is still sensitive, but also because I stopped writing online all those years ago because oversharing caused me so much damage. So I don't know if this is a good idea, and to be honest I don't really know who I'm even talking to anymore, but fuck it. I'm here now because I've just had a really fucking weird year, and for some reason this is where I'm drawn back to after all this time.
One of the lighter changes this year has been developing a wholesome and mostly unironic interest in astrology and mysticism. Yep, Tarot cards, zodiac signs, crystals, the LOT.
What started as a mild curiosity has blossomed into a life-affirming passion that just does as much for me as the almost-certainly-overpriced private therapy I had over summer did. One of my favourite daily rituals is to stick on a video of some softly-spoken youtube mystic who just pulls random tarot cards based on starsigns and tells you you've been through a lot, but ultimately you're gonna be okay. Who knew it was just that easy huh.
It was through one of these videos that I came to learn that the 11th of November - the day I began writing this post - is a special day. As explained by a very legitimate looking website: 'According to numerology, the number 11 is a “master number” which signifies intuition, insight, and enlightenment. When paired together, 11 11 is a clear message from the universe to become conscious and aware.'
So with it being not only the 11th day of the 11th month, but also the day of a full moon, the end of a decade AND a period of mercury in retrogade (I told you I was into it), the girl in this video told me now was the time to do something important. And then she said one line that reached out and grabbed me by the throat;
'If you've found yourself having a particularly hard time recently, it's the universe telling you there's things you simply cannot bring with you into the new decade.'
I thought about it all day, and the more I thought about it, the more truth it seemed to hold. This year has seemed so fucking hard because its the culmination and apparent consequence of everything I've done in the last ten years. Every mistake I've made, person I've hurt, every time I fucked myself over or let myself down during my time as an adult, all of those things have come full circle this year from one explosive drama to the next.
So I just wrote it all down.
This 'former' over-sharer made a list of everything that has happened in the decade, starting from my impossibly naive 17 year-old self about to make her first important life decisions, and everything that has gone right or wrong since then. And fucking hell was it a revelation.
To be honest with you, part of me was thinking I'd post the lot here, but not only is it long as hell, I quite frankly can't possibly imagine why anyone else would care. *Edit: this is me returning to this post 11 days later (omg poignant) and after finding myself constantly going back to the list and adding things and remembering more over time, I think it does has value, maybe if only even to me. So, fuck it:
This is my huge ass list of everything in my life over the past 10 years.
The biggest takeaway I had from doing this, was realising not only have I made the same mistakes over and over again, but it seems the mistakes were the first and sometimes only things I could remember. I guess it's true you don't remember every lovely yet ultimately inconsequential evening you had with close friends in a cosy bedroom with a bottle of wine, but you DO remember with startling detail the time a once boyfriend got so mad at you for wanting to go home that he launched a candle at you from across a crowded pub.
Ultimately it just said a lot about how I prioritise these memories in my perception of my life story. That was what came to mind first. Not the joy and growth and exploration, but the regret and cringe and misery. 'It's the universe telling you there's things you simply cannot bring with you into this new decade', I heard echo inside my brain, and I knew the nice horoscope youtube lady was right. I was the one saying I can't escape my mistakes, when I'm also the one letting these mistakes define me. That's what I want to leave behind finally, once and for all.
So later that night, as the time approached 11:11pm, I decided to complete the ritual.
After spending a few hours bulletpointing this list, I pulled three tarot cards and placed them before me; the four of cups for the past, the four of wands for the present, and the nine of cups for the future. I then took out a notebook, ripped out some pages and wrote out five things I want to either release myself from or to manifest for myself in the future. (I'm not going to write what these were because, apparently I think some things are still sacred.) I wafted the cards and the manifestations over fumes of burning sage, and whilst clutching rose quartz, labradorite and moonstone to my chest, I set them alight and burned them one by one.
And as I watched my words dissolve into cinders and float off into the universe, I thought deeply to myself that, yeah, this may all be just bullshit and one of the many things people to do cope. But if in doing this I truly believe that I can become a better person, that I can release myself from past traumas and start this fresh new slate on which I aim to thrive and prosper and make beautiful things happen does it really fuckin' matter?
That night I slept with the stones and cards under my pillow. You know, just in case.
Here's to ten more years of trying to do the right thing and causing a whole hot mess of a life along the way.
Goodnight x
