I'd been doing so well.
But, *sigh* I've only gone and bloomin' well done it.
I'm C-r-u-s-h-i-n-g.
In my new found reflective state and gift of The Clarity, however, I think I've finally figured out why, despite being so adamantly and happily single, I fall in love every single day and find myself crushing on the most ridiculous and unattainable people.
And I'm convinced that it's simply because I'm so good at being unhappy.
I am someone that thrives on malcontent. It takes something troubling, something which I cannot rid from my mind, a niggling doubt, insecurity or problem that compels me onward to do something about it. Yeah, I know it's kinda messed up. Think of it this way, have you ever been playing The Sims on your favourite family for a while, then discovered a cheat code, given yourself millions of simoleans and bought everything you ever wanted... but then realised you don't really know what to do next? When you have it all, what more is there?
Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly happy in life right now, I have amazing friends and family who I love dearly, and I'm doing exactly what I love. But it's like a puzzle that's almost, but not quite, complete. And that one missing piece, is a significant other. If I had that, then I would be truly overwhelmingly happy and content in everything.
And I know myself too well, and if was that level of happy, I would just fade away. Blissfully so, but I'd fade. And I am not ready for that to happen to me yet. If I was perfectly happy I would not strive, drive or thrive, create or express. I would absolutely lose myself wallowing in a sheer unadulterated state of single-minded happiness. I would have no need to express anything, because I would be the divine state of expression defined - happiness.
Only when I'm discontented, see things that need to change and believe that I can be that change, that I achieve remarkable things. The absolute pessimists optimist.
So I guess I've always viewed relationships as an allergen, something to just curtly skirt past to avoid the inevitable character flaw that would certainly follow, should I indulge. Not allowing a relationship to consume my heart and distract me from the path toward my wildest dreams and goals.
But, as much as I am sometimes reluctant to admit, I am also an organic human being and not just a wandering soul, and try as I might, my mind can not change my biology and... I feel alone sometimes, too.
And apparently this loneliness manifests itself in the most contradictory of manners.
Because I fall in love every single day.
I fall in love with the boy who holds my gaze just a fraction of a second too long on the underground, the guy who smiles at me behind the counter of Starbucks and accidentally brushes my hand as he passes me my coffee, the girl in the book store in the leather armchair, reading, silently lost in another universe as a soft lock of her hair falls lightly across her cheek.
Those brief and fleeting infatuations that cease the moment these strangers leave my presence, take away the sting of loneliness and distract my mind for a moment until I remember that I am content.
But the burden of this loneliness does not manifest itself in such romanticised forms.
I crush. And I crush hard. On the most unexpected and often unavailable types.
I guess I've been quite lucky with my crushes so far. They are often so unattainable, that I am left to hopelessly and haplessly pine after them, like endlessly hurling grenades of affection at a brick wall. However exhausting at the time, I say I'm lucky, because if I were to ever to crush on someone who was crushing on me back... then I would be in serious, serious trouble, as I might end up being... *gulp*... happy.
And I was so certain of this, until I unexpectedly heard a new meaning in a song I've listened to a thousand times over.
Mumford & Sons - Sigh No More.
One of my favourite songs by my favourite band in the universe, a song that I've listened to endlessly, but this time, it really caught my attention.
As I listened to the words and my heart was consumed by the music, The Clarity showed me just how foolish I was being.
" Love; it will not betray you,
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free,
Be more like the man you were made to be.
There is a design, an alignment to cry,
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be. "
For all the sense I seem to think I write, I certainly can be a mighty fool sometimes.
Am I really denying myself the chance to be happy, just in case it proves as a distraction?
The Clarity showed me something quite profound in that one moment. By no means am I going to rush out to find my soulmate, but I've realised it's time to stop beating myself up for caring about someone.
And you know, regardless of how that person feels in return, after all the confusion in my own head lately, crushing is actually kind of a nice reminder that I'm still human after all.
Scarlet-Ophelia.